From Survival to Safety: Embracing Calm After Trauma

You’ve heard the old adage…”Being comfortable with being uncomfortable”. And this totally makes sense when you’re learning that uncomfortable emotions are not life threatening or particularly “bad”. They’re all part of the human experience of allowing the full breath of emotions be felt which gives richer meaning to life.

For those shaped by adversity, misattuned parenting, chronic stress from the environment they grew up in, living with discomfort is all we know. From a young age, we learn to adapt, survive, find refuge in being alone, not ask for anything because we don’t know what we need or want. We might find it hard to switch out of the scarcity mindset because a crisis is just around the corner.

What happens when you finally work through the old trauma, removing all the things you’ve been carrying in your invisible backpack that’s weighed you down? You finally come up for air and for the first time you can see above the clouds of confusion and chaos. Where the quiet and stillness of a calm home or workplace feels….unfamiliar.

Perhaps you crave the intensity of the emotions because you’re likely to be really good at jumping into action. Maybe feeling big emotions and conflict with others was the only form of communication or attention. Where silence was ambiguous and unpredictable as it meant that something big was about to happen.

It is common to feel wary and mistrusting of calmness. It takes time for our nervous system to down-regulate and match the reality of the here and now. The nervous system still wants to remember the past to keep us safe but with therapy and co-regulation with safe others, your body and brain will soon learn that calm is safe too.

For those who have been through hell and back and have worked hard to save themselves from the cycle of trauma, learning to be comfortable with being comfortable takes time. It’s ok to not over-schedule yourself with a never-ending to-do list or feel like you have to always be busy. It’s ok to exert less effort so that you can do things at your own pace and timeline with ease. It’s ok to set your limits of how much you give when you socialise by saying no when you really don’t want to. It’s ok to choose to stay in a safe and clean room when you’re on holiday because sleeping peacefully at night means more than saving a few bucks. It’s ok to put the heating on when it’s cold or the fan on when it’s hot because it feels nicer. It’s ok if you don’t fix everyone else’s problems because some things are just not your responsibility to begin with.

You don’t have to struggle anymore. You can trust yourself because it’s safe now.